Vision test - check
Mammogram - check
Dental checkup - check
Colonoscopy - whoa! Didn't I just do that? Not so fast!
Colonoscopies - some say it's just like taking a nice, relaxing nap. Others tend to disagree. I'm one of the latter. I base my opinion on past experiences, and while my first colonoscopy wasn't exactly a trip to Disneyland, it still is one of those highly notable events I'll never forget.
So, for all of you age 50 and over - you know how it goes. Step one is the euphoric prep, which means fasting for something like 256 hours. And by fasting, I mean not even so much as a dry soda cracker! Yep! Even flattened roadkill, marinated in stale beer, sounds good after a couple of hours.
Then there's step two - drinking a ten-gallon bottle of liquid laxative. Oh yum! After a few big gulps and a couple of stomach gurgles, believe me, it's "off to the races!" Enough said!
When the actual day arrives, it's such a delightful drive. Sixty long miles of not knowing whether to pull over or step on the gas! So much for pleasant commentary!
Finally, Jer and I pull up to this drive thru colonoscopy place (that's what I call it, cuz that's all they do, all day long! In and out! Whoa! Wouldn't ya love to work there!) Upon entering, I approach the front desk to announce my presence. The young, blonde receptionist glances up and down her scheduling book, as I patiently wait. Then suddenly she swiftly lifts her head, and has the audacity to say, - "Hmmmm. We don't have you scheduled today!"
"Say what?????" Mind you, by this time, I'm not only pooped out, but I'm also a bit anxious, and hungry --- no - make that HANGRY! So, I politely take a step closer to her desk and muster up my creepiest Hannibal Lecter voice. I catch myself quickly snarling back, "Well then! We better figure something out - hadn't we --- Clarice!!!!!"
So, something like three hours later, I find myself sitting in this sterilized, back room, wearing nothing but a stingy buttless hospital gown. (Where's that draft coming from?) So, I'm watching Dr. Phil, and just as Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge", I suddenly hear this swishing, scratching sound. What is it? I lower the volume and listen closer. OH, My LORD! No Way! Someone's sweeping the floor! THEY FORGOT ME!!!!
So up goes the TV - full blast!
Next thing you know I'm counting backwards -- "ten, nine, eight, sixty-seven, eighteen" ---- Boom! Out goes the lights!
What seems like two minutes later, I'm sniffing smelling salts.
"Whaaa, whaaa, whaaaa, whaaa." Thank goodness Jer is with me cuz I have no idea what the doctor is saying. Something about healthy and eating. Whatever! After the nurse draws me a diagram, I finally figure out it's time to put my clothes back on.
A swing and a miss. A swing and a miss. This is ridiculous! There's no way I can put my clothes back on in this condition! Oh wait! Is that my sweater or my jeans? I honestly feel like I'm on some kind of a cheap drunk! Finally, the nurse reappears, dresses me, and plops me in a wheelchair. She pushes me out to the lobby where she motions to Jer and makes some crazy remark like, "Here! She's your problem now!"
So, at nine o'clock that night, I finally wake up sitting in my recliner. What the heck just happened? And whose sweater is this anyway?
Who knows! All I know is thank God colonoscopies only happen once every several years. This happens to be my lucky year! Wish me luck!
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