It's a Wonderful Life!

The other night I watched "It's a Wonderful Life," just like I do every year. Let me tell ya, if you've never watched it, you really need to. It's a classic about a man who catches a glimpse of what life would've looked like if he'd never been born. And just like every other year, it got me thinking - but this time with a different spin.

This time, I started to wonder what my life would look like, if my friends were never born. Can you imagine? So I thought I'd share.

Just imagine, what life would be without:

* A Sondy, a Linda H, a Sandy P, a Serena, a Chelsie, or a Stephanie G? Oh my! I'm positive Avocans would totally be without the Christmas spirit! We all would be an ugly shade of green, attempting to steal little kids' Christmas presents on Christmas Eve!!! And oh - our hearts would never be the size they are today!

* Or a Trudy, Lezli, Becky, Cheri, Bonnie, Lorie, a Sarah, Taylor,or an Angie P? Heaven forbid! Get that mirror away from me! We'd all be without makeup and hair products! What a horrible thought!

* Or what would life look like without Susie P, Melissa N, Mary B, Ella Mae, Loretta, Judy R, Angie M, Willie, Mrs. Hein, Rhonda, Nancy, Sandi, or Laurie. OMG! Such a scary thought! Our kids would never have graduated from high school and they all would STILL BE LIVING AT HOME!!!!!! (Get me some aspirin- NOW!)

* How about Jan H, Sharon H, Pat, Peggy, Lori T, Betty, Mary P,Janelle N, Vicki, and Lisa? If we didn't have these gals, who knows how many more people would not have survived an illness, pain, or disease? God bless these busy ladies!

* Don't forget Kathy, Cindy, Debbie, Sharon, Wanda, Lisa, Ang, Kris, and Patti! You know that ONE basketball game? The ONE we won! We would've never won it without YOU!

* Or Connie, Lavonne, Shari, Jennifer, Jenny, Tammy, and Paige. Work would have really been boring without you guys! Honestly I think we spent more time having fun than working!

* Or Margaret and Melissa. You both take care of my boys and all three of us know that's one HUGE job!

* Or Kim, Lea, Judy W, Janet, Peggy, Ronda H, Crystal, Rhonda R, Sheila, Janel, Ilyeen, Mary M, Amber, Linda, Lori, Jean, Kay, Teresa, Tina, Lavonna, Jerri, Stef, Charlene, Denise, Janis, Angie B, Mary O, Dora, Rose, Terryl, Sue, Gina, Kristi, Nyla, Donna, Carolyn, ...... Okay! Okay! STOP! This list is getting long and besides - it's starting to get sappy! But the list has just started! If I haven't listed your name, know that your friendship doesn't mean any less. You know who you are and you all mean the world to me! I'm just so greatful you were born and you have included me in your lives!

So I better run! That bell keeps ringing and you know what that means! Merry Christmas everyone!

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!

Oh! Those Darn Necessities!

The annual checklist:
Vision test - check
Mammogram - check
Dental checkup - check
Colonoscopy - whoa! Didn't I just do that? Not so fast!

Colonoscopies - some say it's just like taking a nice, relaxing nap. Others tend to disagree. I'm one of the latter. I base my opinion on past experiences, and while my first colonoscopy wasn't exactly a trip to Disneyland, it still is one of those highly notable events I'll never forget.

So, for all of you age 50 and over - you know how it goes. Step one is the euphoric prep, which means fasting for something like 256 hours. And by fasting, I mean not even so much as a dry soda cracker! Yep! Even flattened roadkill, marinated in stale beer, sounds good after a couple of hours.

Then there's step two - drinking a ten-gallon bottle of liquid laxative. Oh yum! After a few big gulps and a couple of stomach gurgles, believe me, it's "off to the races!" Enough said!

When the actual day arrives, it's such a delightful drive. Sixty long miles of not knowing whether to pull over or step on the gas! So much for pleasant commentary!

Finally, Jer and I pull up to this drive thru colonoscopy place (that's what I call it, cuz that's all they do, all day long! In and out! Whoa! Wouldn't ya love to work there!) Upon entering, I approach the front desk to announce my presence. The young, blonde receptionist glances up and down her scheduling book, as I patiently wait. Then suddenly she swiftly lifts her head, and has the audacity to say, - "Hmmmm. We don't have you scheduled today!"

"Say what?????" Mind you, by this time, I'm not only pooped out, but I'm also a bit anxious, and hungry --- no - make that HANGRY! So, I politely take a step closer to her desk and muster up my creepiest Hannibal Lecter voice. I catch myself quickly snarling back, "Well then! We better figure something out - hadn't we --- Clarice!!!!!"

So, something like three hours later, I find myself sitting in this sterilized, back room, wearing nothing but a stingy buttless hospital gown. (Where's that draft coming from?) So, I'm watching Dr. Phil, and just as Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge", I suddenly hear this swishing, scratching sound. What is it? I lower the volume and listen closer. OH, My LORD! No Way! Someone's sweeping the floor! THEY FORGOT ME!!!!

So up goes the TV - full blast!

Next thing you know I'm counting backwards -- "ten, nine, eight, sixty-seven, eighteen" ---- Boom! Out goes the lights!

What seems like two minutes later, I'm sniffing smelling salts.

"Whaaa, whaaa, whaaaa, whaaa." Thank goodness Jer is with me cuz I have no idea what the doctor is saying. Something about healthy and eating. Whatever! After the nurse draws me a diagram, I finally figure out it's time to put my clothes back on.

A swing and a miss. A swing and a miss. This is ridiculous! There's no way I can put my clothes back on in this condition! Oh wait! Is that my sweater or my jeans? I honestly feel like I'm on some kind of a cheap drunk! Finally, the nurse reappears, dresses me, and plops me in a wheelchair. She pushes me out to the lobby where she motions to Jer and makes some crazy remark like, "Here! She's your problem now!"

So, at nine o'clock that night, I finally wake up sitting in my recliner. What the heck just happened? And whose sweater is this anyway?

Who knows! All I know is thank God colonoscopies only happen once every several years. This happens to be my lucky year! Wish me luck!

So God Made a Hill

We've all been there. You know, that feeling where you just want to go MIA? You've been riding on empty, and there's nothing you want more, than to just unplug and reboot. Well, recently that was me. I just had this urgent need to pull away from society and do nothing. Absolutely nothing - but stare - and stare - for hours upon end.

So Jer and I decided to hit the road in search of peace and tranquility. It took us awhile, but believe it or not - WE FOUND IT! Yep! Starting in southwest Iowa, we crisscrossed the state into northeast Iowa until there it was - our little piece of heaven! About ten miles outside of Decorah, Iowa, sitting on top of the highest hill, was the cutest, little rustic log cabin you've ever seen. It overlooked miles and miles of valleys and streams, and was surrounded by nothing but the lushest green fields and timbers. You know, the kind you find only in Iowa. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

So early one morning, as I sat perched in my lawn chair, coffee cup in hand, I studied this masterpiece of tranquility. Numerous thoughts flooded my mind, and just like a spinning roulette wheel clicking away, my mind buzzed with a flurry of thoughts. Click, click, click - stop! Finally it came to a rest. And wouldn't ya know, it stopped on - "hills". Yes "hills". Why did God make hills? Interesting question.

So I asked God, "why did ya make hills?" Wouldn't it have been easier to just make one big ol flat plain? You know, kind of like pancake batter. Mix it up and pour! That's pretty simple! But no! Heck no! God's much more creative than that. It was he who decided we needed a bump here and there. So God made hills.

So I began to wondered what would life be like if we didn't have hills? Wouldn''t life be easier? Well after much thought and reflection, I'm not so sure. For example:

* how could we go sleigh riding without hills? (Hey dude - wanna pull my sled?)
or
* how would a kid learn to ride a bike without a hill? (Keep pushing dad. I'll catch on sooner or later!)
or
* how would the Indians have hunted and spotted buffalos without hills? (Hey chief - don't look now but there's a 2000 lb. buffalo coming up behind ya!)
or
* how would golf be any fun if there weren't any hills? (Sweet! I got a hole in one! Big deal! So did everybody else!)

So I'll admit it. Hills - they challenge us, but where would we be without them? Everyone knows they can be tough to climb, but aren't they certainly worth it? Think of that elation when you reach the top - it's hallelujah! Goal accomplished! And the view! Abosolutely amazing!

So go ahead and call me "over the hill" if you want, but to me it's a compliment. All our lives, we've worked and worked. We've climbed our hill. And now we're at our summit, so you know what that means - all that's left is the reward --- the fun ride down. So folks, put on your seatbelts! We're in for one hell of a ride!!! Enjoy!

So God Made a Hill!

Fun, Fun, Fun - Yesterday and Today

Do you have grandkids? Are you forever challenged with how to keep them entertained? If so, I'm sure you've noticed that kids just aren't that interested in the entertainment our childhoods provided. Nope! Times have changed!

Recently I noticed grandma's toybox wasn't getting the attention it used to. The old beeline to the toyboy just wasn't happening any more. I knew it would be coming someday, but really? So soon? Yep! Grandma's toybox just doesn't cut it anymore! The dolls, puzzels, and blocks have become - dare I say - BORING??? No way! Well this grandma is anything but boring, so I guess it's time to sort, throw out and update. But where do I start?

Well, I started online. OMG! What is this stuff? "Yeti in My Spaghetti", "Transforming Batmobiles", "Taco vs. Burrito", and "Artsy Fartsy"? What the??? Whatever happened to "Candyland", "Barrel of Monkeys", and "Rock Em Sock Em Robots"? Yeah - those games were cool. However; I'm not so sure about these new games. "Artsy Fartsy"? Really?

Oh! Of course I could load them up on video games, but do I really want to? Well, a recent study done by the University of Tennessee has shown that video games can improve eye/hand coordination. Really? Eye/hand coordination? My parents game me a 39 cent rubber ball and told me to go outside and throw it again the house. Throw, bounce, catch. Throw, bounce, catch. Throw, bounce, catch. Again and again and again. That's how I got my eye/hand coordination.

Or how about a game of "fun-go"? I'm sure you never heard of that one. My dad invented it. In his mid-forties by the time us kids started playing ball, he initiated this game so he could have "fun" hitting the ball, and us kids could "go" get it. Yep! That was fun! No wonder I was always batter number nine! I never got practice hitting the ball!

And on those days when I just wanted to be alone, I'd pull out the "Rubik's Cube" (never figured that one out), "Wheelo" or "Slinky" (it's fun, it's a wonderful toy). Or maybe the "Etch a Sketch" where you could sketch, erase and sketch again. Now that was cool! I could even write my name!

And when the neighbor kids or company came, we'd take our fun outside and play sports, hopscotch, red rover, jump rope, or dodgeball (I hated that one!) If it was dark enough, we'd play hide and seek. Remember "Olly Olly Oxen Free"? Where the heck did that come from?

Well enough of looking for the latest and greatest. Sometimes the newest just can't compete with the old stuff. I'll settle for "Old Maid" or "Twister" any day.

In memory of my fiercest competitor and faithful gamer, Bruce.

School's Out for the Summer!

Whoop! Whoop! Hip-hip hooray! School's out for the summer! And ain't it a glorious time!

Oh the memories! I'm sure you have them too. Has there ever been anything so anticipated or so thrilling as walking out that front schoolhouse door on the last day of school? We all looked so forward to it - three structureless months - no school and no rules! (Well maybe a few!) Yeah- it was AWESOME!!!

So what did you do with your summers? Did you work? Did you play? If you're anywhere near my age, I'm guessing your summers possibly looked quite similar to mine. You remember, don't you? Of course you do! How could you forget?

Like:
... Sleeping in until noon. (Or not! Generally not!)
... Walking beans from the break of dawn until noon. (That old rusty corn knife! That much needed first aid kit!)
... Eating lunch (dinner at our house) by 1:00 so we could jump into the pool at 2:00. (Had to wait an hour! Didn't wanna drown with cramps!)
... Mowing anybody's and everybody's lawns with an old push mower, and earning three bucks per yard! (I kid you not!)
... Making malts at the drive-in or serving burgers at the local pub. (Earning a whole 75 cents an hour!)
... Playing "touch" football, (yeah right!), "hard-ball" baseball, or "jam-it-down-your-throat" basketball (ain't that the truth!) with the neighbor kids. (you guessed it - 99% boys!)
... Wearing the blue and white, batting number nine, and scooping up grounders with my good ol' "Rocky" softball glove. (Nights under the lights were the best!)
... Celebrating the win by flippin "yu-eys" on Main Street. ( Ed, the town cop loved us!)
... And then - waking up and doing it all over again the next day!

Oh yeah! Just remembering makes me smile! Those days were amazing! And while summers may be a bit different for our kids today, summers are still amazing none the less. I'm sure you've heard the old saying, "the more things change, the more things stay the same"? Well, I certainly think those words can be said about summer. It warms my heart every time I hear that kids still play outside with the neighbors kids, they still chase fireflies at dark, they still go out for little league and other team sports, and they still make cannonballs in the local pool!

Yep! It just makes me smile! Summers ARE the best! Enjoy every minute!!

..................................................The girls of summer 1975............................................

Gone Fishing

This last week Jerry and I celebrated our re-entry into society with what else but--- a fishing trip! Yep! We had our shots so we booked a little hotel in Warsaw, Missouri. From there we travelled to nearby beautiful Truman Lake. It was delightful - absolutely the perfect way to slide back into civilization. Warm temps, sunny skies, clean fresh air and -----WIND! More about that later!

So, I won't tell ya what we did on day one, but on day two, we travel to the lake and meet our fishing guide, Bob. Bob's nice enough - kinda scruffy, kinda fishy, and definitely Southern! His southern drawl had a "twang" all of its own. I loved listening to his y'alls, gits, and lemme's. But I gotta admit, I kinda gotta bit apprehensive, when he jabbed me in the ribs and asked, "Did ya bring yer night gown?"

Say what???? I just met the man! "Most women don't like sleepin in thar clothes", he added. "Sometimes it gits kinda late!"

"Holy moly!! What did I just get myself into?" Please God! Don't let this be a marathon! I like to fish, but hey, everything has a limit!

So after all the pleasantries, we leave the dock in a sleek, modern, gear-filled fishing boat. Bob pulls the throttle and within mini-seconds, our boat blasts off across the lake like hell on wheels. The boat tip points skyward, and I'm sitting there, squeezed like a pancake, between Jer and Bob! I put a death grip on my sun visor, as my once carefully groomed hair flys every direction. Suddenly I'm wondering. Why I didn't bring another change of underwear? This is acceleration to the max! Puke bucket, anyone?

And then - just like that - boom! The boat stops on a dime! We've arrived at the per se "honey hole". Bob jumps up front and hands us our poles. Mine says, "super sensitive Sam." Great! I thought I left him at home!

But then - just like that - the catch was on and fish begin to fly into the boat. Oh wow! They were big ones! The fish were definately biting! That is for everyone - except ME!!!

So the next couple of hours I'm busy with snags, tangels, lost bait, false alarms and listening to numberous yelps by Bob, "Di-yanne! Whatcha doing back thar? Sleepin?"

"No Bob. I'm just fine!" Little did he know but my sun visor sporting head was starting to feel like a pimple in a vise and this was definately not my idea of fun. But I had fun watching Jer catch 'em. Yeah, right....

However; never say never! What seemed like a day and two hours later, I catch a fish!!!! Total elation! I wrangle him in, and just as I am admiring his beauty and size, Bob, takes him off my hook, says "drum", and then ---- THROWS HIM BACK IN THE WATER!

Say what? What happened to my fish???? Well, if I learned anything that day, I guess I learned that "drums" are plagued fish. In otherwords - you don't want 'em! Throw 'em back! Darn!

So, I could go on and on, but why waste your time. It was a day of "Hurray Jer! Nice catch!" and "Di-yanne, are ya sleepin?" UGH!

But now for the rest of the story --- the best part. The next day Jer and I head back once again to the lake. We meet Bob and I let him know right away that I DID NOT bring my nightgown, and then we head back out to the honey hole. Only this time---- It's my turn!!! Believe it or not, no one can catch a fish except for - ME!!! That's right, Di-yanne was on a roll! Boom! Boom! Boom! Big ones! Crappies and bass! Those poor fish couldn't get a break as long as my pole was in the water!!

So my friends- many times women ask me why I like to fish. They tell me their husbands fish, their kids fish, but they read books. Well, I might be weird, but yes, I do like to fish. And this is the reason why. You never know when it's gonna be a Di-yanne day! That's why they call it fishing!

Friends of a Lifetime

If you were to sit down right now and make a list of names of all of your friends, how many would they total? Ten? Fifty? One hundred? How about 150?

I know. You're probably thinking, "One hundred fifty? Me?" Well, not so fast! It's easier than you think - especially when you live in a small town! Us small town folk are friendly people!

Recently I read an interesting article, so I thought I'd share. It really got me thinking about MY friends and the VALUE those friendships give me. Have you ever heard of the "Dunbar Number"? Robin Dunbar is a psychologist whose studies came to the conclusion that the answer to that friendship question is 150 - 150 friends. Supposedly 150 is the number of individuals that any one person can maintain a friendship with. Wow! Now some people may disagree with that, especially in this day and age of social media, but listen to this. Evidently, years ago the average hunting tribe was 148 people, today's average wedding includes 144 guests, medieval English village populations totalled 150 people, and the list goes on. See the pattern? It's engraved in us - 150 friends!

So what value is placed on those friendships? Well we all know some friendships are stronger than others, but a friend is a friend! After over a year of masking and social distancing, my heart aches for my friends!!!!! And you know who you are! Get ready sistas, cuz this gal is totally vaccinated and ready for girls' nite out, a shopping run away,or any female gathering that includes good conversation and laughter!! Woohoo! All 150 of you - it's party on!!

So friendships are important! You can't tell me any different! And by golly, don't get sick on me, because believe it or not, your friendship is critical to my health! A recent study was made of 300,000 hospital patients. They were asked a variety of questions - how much they drank, what they ate, how much they exercised, their environment, etc. Some time later, their answers were calculated - specifically for those who had since expired. Any idea what the deceased had most in common? 1) Infrequency of social support and 2) lack of participation in their communities. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! Friendship and volunteerism can keep you from an early grave!

So, in closing.
Dear Friends-
Have I told you lately that I love you? You mean more to me than a plate of nachos, a pitcher of margueritas, and downward facing dog. You have been so missed!
Here's to us catching up at a location near you! Soon!
P.S. Nachos and margueritas may be included!!

Feb - burrrrrr - ary

Wow! I don't know about you, but this February has been quite a bit colder than I would like. Even though I'm a born and bred Iowa girl, this has been ridiculous! Seriously, old man Jackfrost hasn't only been nipping at my nose, but he's also taken a stinging grip on my face, fingers and toes! Come on Jack! Enough is enough!

Well honestly, I can't say I'm surprised. You see - I have a February birthday, and each bitter, cold birthday, my uncles on my dad's side would always remind me how this awful weather was really all my fault! Say what? How could any person be responsible for the weather, let alone an innocent 5 or 6 year old kid?

Evidently there's an old German wive's tale (or something strange like that), which warns that the weather on your birthday is determined by how well you fed our feline friends during the past year. Can you believe that? Yes! So every February 4th, before I was even greeted with, "Happy Birthday," my uncles were right there to remind me, "You sure didn't feed the cats very well!" Holy moly! I didn't even have a cat! So what do they expect!

So this February 4th, I once again woke up to a foot of snow and frigid temps. No kidding! It was so cold we had three dogs stuck to fire hydrants in our neighborhood! Brrr! Now that's cold! And while my uncles were no longer here to reiterate, my first thought was, "You sure didn't feed the cats very well, Diane!"

So you think I'm crazy? Okay! Okay! I hear ya! I guess I'll give in! Next year will be different... Anyone got a cat for sale?????

Stay safe and warm my friends!